The New Nation - Internet Edition

Healthy marriage makes happy family

Md. Alamgir Noor

Marriage is a gift, a special bond between man and woman, husband and wife. Much has been written about how we should behave towards a spouse after marriage, but no texts are more appropriate than the teachings of the Qur'an and Sunnah. With this article, I have attempted to bring together information on marriage etiquette from a variety of sources, which I hope will guide and inspire you in this most wonderful relationship.

A spouse has been described as " a partner, companion and best friend". The closeness between spouses is unlike any other relationship. The following verse from the Qur'an sums it up perfectly: "They are your garments and your are their garments" (Surah Al Baqarah 2:147). This illustrates how "spouses provide one another with the protection, the comfort, the cover, the support and the adornment that garments provide to humans".

The first few years of marriage are often the most challenging as this is the period when husband and wife are getting to know each other better and adjusting to each other's habits and personalities, as well as to their new roles in society. There are, however, a number of matters of etiquette for married couples to observe which will help to ensure harmony and understanding during this time of transition, as well as in the long term.

In this article:

1. Expectation

2. Spending Time Together

3. Sexual Relations

4. Family and Friends

5. Commitment to Allah

1. Expectations

Everyone has different expectations of marriage but it important that these expectations are realistic. The "happy ever after" portrayed in many Hollywood and Bollywood films is achievable but we must remember that it takes time, patience and effort to build and maintain this strong marital bond.

First and foremost, do not expect your partner to be perfect. Only Allah is perfect. All of us have our good points and our bad points, and husbands and wives must learn to delight in the good points and accept the bad. we cannot expect to always agree with our spouses. They are not an extension of ourselves; they are their own person with their own personalities, views, likes and dislikes, which we should try to understand rather than change.

A happy marriage cannot be taken for granted. It requires constant giving from both sides. Be mindful that even small things can make a huge difference to the relationship. Be honest with your partner. Both partners in marriage should fell free to speak their mind but must be careful not to hurt the other's feelings. Pay each other compliments and show appreciation for the things that your spouse does for you.

Problem between couples may arise from lack of information before marriage. Therefore it is important to discuss your future expectation beforehand. Such issues could include whether the wife will work outside the home, when the couple plan to have children, where and with whom (if anyone) they should live, how they will work together to ensure a happy marriage, etc.

In marriage, the husband takes the lead. However, according to Islam, marriage is a partnership. Rather than being a dictator in the relationship, the husband is seen more as a shepherd who is responsible for and to his flock. In Islam, a leader is one who serves, manages, provides and nourishes and does so with humbleness and humility. The husband is expected to consult his wife (Shura), especially in relation to family matters, and to respect and value her opinion.

It is important to make time for each other and to enjoy spending time together. It is only through being together that we can learn to communicate effectively with our spouses, to share our hopes and fears and to feel responsible for each other. When this bond is strong, the couple becomes a "team", working together for the same ends.

Establish your own rituals. Set aside time together. This is especially important if both partners are working. This time can be spent praying together, deciding upon finances or a weekly menu, pursuing a hobby together or simply taking time to enjoy each other's company.

Your marital bond will enable your to build a close relationship. Both physically and emotionally. However, giving each other sufficient space in the relationship will bring balance. In addition, show forgiveness if your partner makes a mistake and do not hold grudges. Develop closeness and fondness by laughing and having fun together. Plan for your future together. This will bring peace of mind and cement your relationship.

Time and effort are required to establish a sexual relationship in marriage, which is in tune with the needs of each partner. It is essential that both are informed about Islamic sexual etiquette, especially what is permissible (Halal) and what is forbidden (Haram).

Revealing secrets is un-Islamic. Therefore, partners should never discuss bedroom matters with others. If discussion becomes necessary, for example, due to medical matters or where there is a need for a marriage mentor, this should take place only with an authority figure who has both partner's interests at heart.

Our Prophet (M.S.) recommends that husbands and wives make themselves physically attractive to each other and to pay even more attention to this after marriage. Spouses should take care of themselves. to look good and stay clean in order not to cause offence to the other. Elegance and beautification are encouraged in Islam.

Islam demands that a special effort should be made to show kindness and respect to your spouse's family. A bond with your in-laws does not develop overnight. It regular, healthy contact, openness and a willingness to accept your differences. Acceptance of your spouse's family and showing them hospitality can only strengthen the bond between you and partner and help to make marital relations easier.

In line with Islamic rules of social relations we should avoid sarcasm, backbiting and calling each other offensive nicknames. Instead, we should make a special effort to respect each other as family members. Everyone is different. Therefore, do not compare your partner to members of your family and do not compare in-laws to your parents. This can lead to friction and resentment.

Friends are important to married couples and it can be useful to schedule a "friends time" where husband and wife can meet privately with friends (Who are Permissible according to religion). The couple should also make an effort to make family friends, friendships with other married couples. However, of the highest importance is to develop a deep and lasting friendship with your spouse.

As Islam is a way of life, it is an integral part of the couple's relationship. They are bound by their common faith and in their desire to please Allah. Each should be responsible for enhancing their partner's spiritual development. Support each other in your obedience to Allah and make time to pray together. This will strengthen your relationship with Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala and, in turn, ensure that your marital bond remains strong.

Female child workers often sexually exploited

Hema Vijay

It is a scorcher of a day at Gudiyatham village in Vellore. The children are gathered under a huge tree for a game but their sudden silence tugs at the heart. It appears they can't forget the trauma they went through around the same time last year when they rolled 'beedis' (indigenous cigarettes made from leaf rolls filled with tobacco) or match sticks for a living. Until last year they were children without a childhood. Pledged to agents and 'beedi' unit owners by their parents to pay off loans, these children know the anguish of being bonded labour.

Today, V. Sekhar, 11, and S. Prabhu, 10, are in a transit school getting ready for proper school. Sekhar's simple statement sums up his painful past: "They allow us to play here." Nandini, 16, now uses her nimble fingers to learn tailoring while C. Mohana Priya, 17, types away at a computer in his new class. The children's new-found liberation is courtesy the NGO World Vision and the village women under the Federation of Self Help Groups in an area called Kalangiyam.

It is a parched land here that forces people - the landless poor in particular - to pin their hopes and lives on the leather, 'beedi' and match making factories in and around the area. What makes it even more pathetic is that many of them sell their children into bonded labour for as little as Rs 500 (US$1=Rs 41). "Working long hours in a stifled atmosphere, many adults are afflicted with respiratory diseases. Hit with a sudden medical emergency, they have no way of borrowing money for treatment and end up pledging the labour of their children as collateral for fast cash," explains Moses Palmer, Programme Manager, World Vision. Some of these children remain bonded for years, with the family is unable to pay back the money.

Take the case of Prabhu, 11, who became a bonded labourer two years back when his parents had to borrow Rs 5,000 from an agent for his father's treatment. The agent made young Prabhu roll 'beedis' until the money and interest were paid off. Like other bonded child labour, Prabhu was given only one third of the wages due to him, and made to work well past dusk. But that was not all. Prabhu had to do all the chores the 'beedi' unit owner ordered him to do - whether it was to pick up something from the grocery shop or clean the owner's house. But perhaps Prabhu was better off than his female counterparts, many of whom could be sexually exploited - a fact that goes largely unreported.

In 1990, when World Vision happened to conduct a medical camp for the villagers, a child whose legs had been chained was brought to the camp. For the visiting officials, the information that this was just one of the many children living in bonded labour was a shock. The organisation responded by paying off the money to free the children. However, realising that action was actually needed from within the community, they got the women of the community to step in. "We decided that women and children could be effective, especially if the women acquired economic independence," says Palmer. As a consequence, many women in the area were helped to organise themselves into SHGs.

So, from sheer unemployment and rolling 'beedis' or packing matchstick boxes, the rural women were able to avail of bank loans and engage in small-time activities like running a petty shop, selling rice or milking goats. As a result, the women now make anywhere above Rs 2,000 per month and can supplement the family income. They no longer have to go to moneylenders or push their children into bonded labour.

"If we hadn't become entrepreneurs ourselves and learnt to earn money, our children, too, would have fallen victim some day to bonded labour," admits Govindammal, 46, who runs a small rice business and is president of Kalangiyam.

"There are some families who still don't understand this, and see their children as earning machines. We are trying to convince them," says Rajeshwari, 47, the current joint secretary of Kalangiyam. The empowered Kalangiyam women and some children, who have a good idea of which of their peers are still held in bondage, go about meeting agents and unit owners. There are said to be around 50 units in these villages. Often the units are just a cramped room in a house.

The federation has been instrumental in securing the release of 644 children. "Now, we just walk up to the unit owners and tell them that child labour is banned under the law (Child Labour Prohibition & Regulation Act, 1986). We are taken more seriously now," says V. Kasthuri, 32, another member of Kalangiyam SHG. "Earlier, we used to collect money to pay off the loan taken by the child's parents to free the child," she adds. The money to pay off the loan and often the exorbitant rate of interest - some times as high as 36 per cent per month - was taken from the SHGs and willing members of the community.

Not only do the women identify and rescue child workers, they try to get the children enrolled in school as well. The freed children are put in transit schools and later sent to regular schools. Women of Kalangiyam also identify vulnerable children from target villages and give them books and other educational materials to ensure they don't drop out. They conduct tuition classes, help children take up higher education and secure better jobs.

There is, of course, a great deal more work to be done. Rumors abound that about 500 children in the area are still trapped in child labour. But the Kalangiyam women are not giving up. They are determined to secure the future for these children.(Courtesy: Women's Feature service)

Where musculinity rules the show

Mukul Kesavan

Some years ago I was struck by the contrast between the beauty of Hindi film heroines and the ugliness of Hindi film heroes. After researching the matter I concluded that the explanation was straight forward: leading men in Hindi films were ugly because they were Indian men and Indian men were measurably uglier than Indian women. You don't have to take my word for it: cursory surveys of marriages, morchas, classrooms, offices, and homes will bear out this observation.

While my observation was accurate and the data I had gathered reliable, I made the mistake of attributing the ugliness of the Indian male to nature. I know now that Indian men aren't born ugly: they achieve ugliness through practice. It is their habits and routines that make them ugly. If I were to be schematic, I'd argue that Indian men are ugly on account of the three Hs: hygiene, hair, and horrible habits.

Let's start with their extremities. Examine the nails of any Indian man: the cuticles will be yellow with haldi and the underside of the bitten-off tip will be spotty with accumulated dirt. When you think of where they put those nails, this is not surprising. I've seen respectable men conducting conversations with their index fingers two-digits deep in their nostrils, digging with industrial enthusiasm.

If you ever see a desi man delicately rubbing the tip of his index finger over the pad of his thumb, beware. Don't go near him: he's rolling the bogies he's mined into little balls. He uses those same fingers to adjust himself in public. All Indian men do this, without exception. The refined ones do it furtively, but the majority does it openly without shame or embarrassment. A famous Indian batsman does this regularly with the butt end of his bat handle under the gaze of thousands of spectators. You can't do this and be good-looking, you really can't.

You could be John Abraham (an exception to our ugly rule) and your looks wouldn't survive this particular habit. And if it isn't the thumb and forefinger it's the pinkie inserted into the ear and vibrated with manic vigor. This generally comes with eye-rolling and little oinks of pleasure. You'll never see women doing this, only men. It's an important route to ugliness. The sounds they make are crucial to the unattractiveness of Indian men. For example, an Indian man with a cold will, in company, try to snort up the congestion and swallow it. He'll do it over and over again, completely unaware of the revulsion it causes.

When he eats, there's another repertoire of sounds born of the fact that sub continental men don't keep their lips together while chewing. tHair habits do even more to intensify the ugliness of Indian men than the sounds they involuntarily make. Statistically, some ninety percent of all South Asian men wear moustaches: their masculinity seems to be critically dependent on this growth. I don't mean the beard-cum-moustaches style, which is respectable, but the standalone moustache. Even here, a bushy, Zapata-style moustache has something going for it, but the styles Indian men favour are (a) the twirled moustache; and (b) the little trimmed one.

The first makes its host ridiculous, the second makes him look like a harried clerk or, if the hair has been trimmed into a thin line, like a sexual predator. Middle-aged men improve on this by dyeing their hair a radiant black, then letting their roots show. Or, like General Musharraf, they will dye the hair on top of their heads but leave their sideburns gray because they've read somewhere that this makes them look distinguished.

It doesn't: it makes them look like unreliable car dealers. Indian men wear badly because they look into magic mirrors that hide the changes middle-age brings.

For example, they don't notice the hair growing out of their nostrils in little tufts and consequently don't trim it. Even worse, the hair bristling out of their ears in great wiry jets is invisible to them because their narcissism is so complete, so proofed against reality, that what they see in the mirror is not their reflection but a favourite photograph taken twenty years and twenty kilos ago. tThen there's their keenness on necklaces. Not one, but as many as they can wear. Not content with doing this, they leave the top buttons of their shirts unbuttoned so you can see that tangled jumble of amu-lets and gold chains and lockets.

Sreesanth and Ganguly wear so many that they look like shady trinket vendors. Any inventory of the ways in which Indian men achieve ugliness has to include their relationship with rings. We're not talking about nice rings, say a discreet wedding band, but cheap rings with coloured stones in tarnished silver settings worn on every finger of both hands, not excluding thumbs. Since the average Indian man's fingers aren't long and slender, the net effect is one of sausages banded with metal.

Why are Indian men like this? How do they achieve the bulletproof unselfconsciousness that allows them to be so abandonedly ugly? I think it comes from a sense of entitlement that's hard-wired into every male child that grows up in an Indian household. That, and the not un-important fact that, despite the way they look, they're always paired off with good-looking women.(Courtesy: Women's Feature Service)