The New Nation - Internet Edition

Farizaa Sabreen

When our feelings are hurt or we feel betrayed, the mind begins to play persistent negative tunes. Being "dumped" is agonizing, but how we deal with it will depend on our general attitude to life.

Love is a not one-way exchange; it's a two-way exchange. So leave unrealistic expectations. A break-up can cause deep-seated anger and frustration. When a relationship breaks down doesn't think it as a failure. Don't feel humiliated and embarrassed by a lover leaving us. Worry is one of the greatest reasons of negative thinking and is borne of allowing fear to take over.

Relationship is a fragile thing that breaks for many different reasons. Accept that the relationship has ended because it wasn't going to work. It may hurt because you're ex partner found someone else, or that they just don't see any future with you. But the more time you devote in a relationship that's not going anywhere, the more time you waste.

For some good reason you have to cut ties with your lover and move on with your life. Just because you are breaking up does not mean it will be easy.

When you have been in a bad relationship and perhaps you have been talking about ending it for a long time, end it as soon as possible.

"I don't understand still now, what went wrong in our two years long relationship. Everything was great. We loved tremendously each other and we had discussed future plans. Then, suddenly he changed. He tried to avoid me, he stopped calling and seldom returned my calls. When I asked, "what happened", he gave me different lame excuses about how busy he is or how much family problem he is under right now", said, Shampa, 30, a school teacher.

If you are also stunned over the sudden change in a partner's behaviour, be brave to move on. Individuals who have just broken up with a significant other report this sudden change in a couple's relationship quite a bit. When the behaviour of one or both partners change, it is generally because they have made a conscious or unconscious decision regarding the wrongness of the other for them or for the type of relationship they seek.

Allow yourself few days to cry over the pictures and gifts s/he gave, stay in bed and don't eat and don't go to work. Then get up, wipe your tears, fix your hair and get on with your life. Definitely your friends and family have been wishing you would end the relationship.

In the mean time, you can write to your diary, break things, cry, even go to the places you used to go and cry there. For this allotted hour all you can do with your time is grieve for your break-up. But don't ask their friends how they are doing or don't walk in front of their houses to look for them.

Write yourself a letter telling yourself what things you have learned from this experience.

Learning the best way of dealing with a being dumped will help to you to recover as quickly as possible and prepare you for moving on. Though it is not easy at first, you must face up to what has happened. Always tell yourself that the situation was out of your control, so you are not to blame yourself.

Family and friends can comfort you. They will understand what you are going through. Grieving will help you to get your ex-partner out of your system and is all part of the healing process..

It is very unwise to start trying to get your own back, by phoning him or her up and sending back their gifts once bought for you.

Try to avoid any contact at all with your ex-partner, as you will be feeling exposed at this time and fake hopes of them returning will affect the healing process.

Eat loads of ice cream; be it butter -scotch, pistachio, chocolate, vanilla or strawberry. It--triggers the serotonin and other feel-good chemicals that have plummeted.

Crying is healthy. Cry over the phone late at night with a good friend until the frustration, and pain exhausts you.

Watch hilarious movies. Call up the funniest friend you know and take him or her out for laughs.

Never place all your hopes and dreams in one place. Have a variety of friends and interests in your life so that moving on can be done with the help of a network of loving supporters.

If someone decides they want to leave you, look beyond your own ego and pride to where the other person is coming from. Maybe they have a good reason that you're not aware of and even if they don't, it's their right to leave.

Pamper yourself! What causes your interests? How about some makeover? Spend a weekend in a hilly area or beach. Buy yourself something to cheer yourself up. Spend time doing things that you enjoy, especially any that you didn't do while you were in the relationship with your now ex.

Your ex partner didn't want you and he wasn't worthy of you. You did nothing that necessitates you hiding yourself away! Get out and socialize. Call up friends that you've lost contact with, go out and celebrate your new life as a single person!

Take time before getting into another relationship. Even if you accept and let go all of the emotion tied up with the broken relationship, you still need to wait a little before getting into a new one.

Foster yourself and don't look to others to carry out all your needs. In times of crisis, take time out to grieve and care for yourself as you would a hurting friend.

You will heal, you will love again, but in the meantime, you need to take steps to empower yourselves, attempting wholeheartedly to avoid that misery--which is actually optional. Time can be a great healer.

Photo: Ziauddin Alam